10 reasons why cats are better than kids

Yesterday, a colleague expressed her surprise at the fact that I dislike children but adore cats. "How is that possible?" she cried. "Children are wonderful!" (Mind you, she still expects me to give in one day and breed, despite having known me for six years). I didn't have time to answer her fully on why cats are far superior to kids, but will attempt to do so here.

1. Cats are quiet; children aren't. They're always shrieking, crying, or asking questions. They never shut up. And they don't listen to reason. With cats, you either feed them, stroke them, or let them out. Easy.

2. Cats learn to use a litter tray quickly; children take about 3 years to master the flush toilet.

3. Cats don't grow up to disappoint you; children do. I know that my mother feels I haven't lived up to my potential (Hi Mum!) and PJ's mother wishes he visited her more -- and we're solvent, intelligent, independent adults with good jobs, a nice home, and degrees.

4. Cats don't grow up and hate you; children do. Well, at least during their teenage years.

5. If your cat gets pregnant, it's easy to find good homes for the kittens; if your daughter gets knocked up, not so much.

6. You can watch 18-rated movies with your cats without traumatizing them; again, not so much with kids.

7. Cats clean themselves; kids spend years caked in grime and oozing jam from every pore.

8. Stroking cats can help reduce your blood pressure; children are bad for your health. My mother almost died giving birth to me (Hi again!). And it's not just childbirth: Think of all the stories about orphans and wicked stepmothers. Parents die (or leave), frequently, because children are exhausting.

9. Cats only need a toilet roll to be entertained; children need to use all your expensive consumer electronics, breaking them or leaving sticky fingerprints all over them in the process.

10. When have you ever seen a baby that's as heart-breakingly adorable as these two darlings?