Little lethal weapons

Apart from a mild reaction to lanolin, the Norfolk Dumpling suffers from just one allergy - to children. As a result, only one child has ever entered through the sacred portal to our abode. Until yesterday, that is. Two feisty moppets battled past the cauldrons of boiling oil and armed guards and entertained us for several hours. I learnt a lot in that time. For instance:

1. Any object, no matter how harmless-looking, is a potential weapon. Alex could give Alias' Sydney Bristow a run for her money in terms of using whatever's at hand to take down an enemy. Most impressive was his creation of the Fiery Draught Excluder of Doom by twirling a 2-meter long piece of red non-flame-retardent material across a table of lit candles.

2. If you place a button at toddler-level, they will push it. Children really do understand technology better than their elders. Who knew, for example, that pressing the glowing orange switch at the base of the hi-fi unit would shut down said hi-fi AND Wi-Fi AND answerphone AND iMac? Beyshen did.

3. Chocolate is bad, mmm'kay. Flushed cheeks, dilated pupils, overexcited chatter, and a casting of off inhibitions and clothing. No, not a bunch of London ad execs "powdering their noses" at an office Christmas party but toddlers hopped up on chocolate cake (home-made, of course). "Little dudes, that chocolate was some of South America's finest product -- 60% cocoa solids! You want the chocolate cake? You can't handle the chocolate cake."

4. TV is a force for good. After the initial sugar rush (and who knew that could last an hour?), I scanned the shelves of content for something child-friendly. Dismissing most of our anime as too disturbing, even for adults, I settled upon Shrek and switched on the projector. Within seconds, Alex and Beyshen sat transfixed, happiness writ large across their chocolate-smudged faces. What did parents do before this wondrous invention? Apart from beating their children and sending them up chimneys? Oh . . . right!

5. Contraception is the only sure-fire way to childproof an apartment.

I am nothing if not fair, though, so I should give you the chance to read of the perils of parties from the parents' perspective. Check out my talented friend's excellent blog at amsterdamom to see what she has to say!

PS: The party she blogs about was not my party -- that apartment is far more upscale than mine! But it could have been.