Time for a clear-out

Another office move is upon me – just between floors, but it involves packing up boxes of the detritus that’s accumulated during the two years since the last one. What do we have alongside the usual horde of post-its, note pads and pens?

One desk drawer contains: a pair of trainers, a pair of black trousers (in case I get wet on the way in), a t-shirt, an orange fire warden’s vest, 2 bottles of sunscreen, a roll of toilet paper, a pair of shoes, an engraved Tiffany writing case, some shoe polish (suitable for neither the trainers nor shoes therein), toothbrush and toothpaste, and a handbook of American idioms – carefully hidden from people who like to abuse them.

The other desk drawer contains: a sudoku book, 1 bottle of olive oil, 1 bottle of sesame salad dressing, 1 tube of mustard, 2 packs of microwave popcorn, 4 Caramacs, 3 types of green tea, a bag of Swedish crispbreads, a tub of sunflower seeds, a jar of pepper, dried onion sprinkles, a jar of sundried tomatoes, 2 packs of chewing gum, and box of blue and white muisjes (aniseed sweets), and a tin of cinnamon.

I am clearly a well-prepared, responsible person with underlying bulimic tendencies.